Time for reflection after a tough few weeks

I haven't blogged for quite some time.  Things had been ticking along quite nicely, the Master Plan process providing a focus for my work as an elected member of the Cromwell Community Board and moving forward with continuing to build on a strong school community, as a focus for my work as a principal.  The world started unravelling for me in March and my feelings of solid progress being made in my personal and professional lives were rocked - not just a little bit - but to the very core of me.

Firstly with the news of my dear friend and colleague Sharon Booth's illness and with how rapidly she went from letting us know there was something wrong to the realisation that her time was very short. Secondly with severe depression for my youngest son that left him suicidal and ended in crisis and an acute admission to psychiatric care.  The last six or seven weeks in particular have been exhausting and challenging as these two realities collided.

It is when I am feeling low and full of complex grief and emotion that I find that writing helps me to make sense of of the journey and to start to see my way through to the other end of it and that is why I have decided to return to my blog at this moment in time.

An overwhelming emotion for me at the moment is guilt.  Guilt about my failings as a working mother managing the constant challenge of motherhood and a career.  Each stage of each child's life is demanding and challenging - but somehow we convince ourselves that things will be easier when they sleep through the night, start school, move on to high school and all and any of the milestones that mark a child's journey through to adulthood.

In reality everyone who has made it through to the empty nest stage knows that each step is just as demanding and challenging as the last.  Toddlers bring tantrums and emerging fights for independence, school brings child care challenges for working parents and children start to be busy with friendships, sports and cultural activities and as someone useless at saying no and not wanting to miss a moment that meant coaching, committees and weekends spent on the sidelines for me.  The teen years bring all of this and more. You seem to go back to toddlerhood with the fights for independence and an inability to sleep when your young person is out at night.  It doesn't stop when they move on to study and work and all you can do is hope you've done enough for them to move successfully into the adult world and that if they are struggling that they know you will always be there if and when you are needed.

I also feel guilty about not being able to spot the desperate state that lummox number three had got himself in.  We were worried, he was skinny, disheveled and not wanting to engage with us.  He was still making it home for a weekly catch up, but we were not really able to connect.  He was spending the very minimum amount of time with us - eating and taking back off again.  He was working hard to convince us that he was OK, he had it under control.  Unfortunately the very opposite was in fact the truth.

The guilt is also present when I think about Sharon and that I missed seeing her in her last week.  My family crisis and Sharon's last days coincided and I just didn't manage both.  My son was still in hospital and I had headed back to Cromwell on Sunday evening, a couple of pressing work responsibilities and a feeling that I really needed to see Sharon meant I planned a quick pitstop home, fully intending to head back to Dunedin for review meetings and transition plans on Tuesday.  I was too late John's message to tell me that Sharon passed away came just after I got up on Monday morning.

This brought on the next of those overwhelming emotions - grief.  I am not really sure how the rest of that week really happened.  It is all a bit of a blur of making sure that supports were in place for the lummox in hospital (his brothers stepped up beautifully), the community response to the news of Sharon's death was managed sensitively and professionally, that students were informed and supported and were able to prepare to take a role in the funeral.  All while managing my own crushing grief at the loss of someone who had been so important to me for such a long time and who will leave a gaping hole in my heart.

I feel like I have been on the verge of tears for at least a month and it is quite exhausting.  I am really not managing to juggle things in my usual way.  I had to run the Central Otago Primary School Swim Champs just after Queens Birthday - an event that will always be linked to my memory of Sharon.  It was a mammoth effort to pull the organisation together and I am very grateful to volunteers from the Cromwell Swim Club who took on much of the workload.  The conclusion of the swim meet was my crash point and I was sent home by my team looking out for me at school with instructions to stay home the next day.

That probably brings me to the last of the big emotions - gratitude.  I am so grateful that my son reached out and asked for help - it was nearly too late and even after we had managed to access support it wasn't enough to avert the crisis we found ourselves in. We did catch him, he is still with us, he is on a slow road to recovery and so are we. We can't imagine the other option which is sadly a reality for so many families who have been unable to catch their child and who have had to try to pull through after a suicide.  It is so important that we talk about managing depression and anxiety in our young people, that we de-stigmatise seeking mental health support and we reserve judgement about what has happened while a person is sick and focus on helping them to get better.

I am incredibly grateful for the support of my husband and family.  My two older sons rallied around their younger brother.  We all pussyfoot around trying not to rock the boat - siblings tell it like it is.  Family is the most important thing and we need to nurture each other and look out for each other. My immediate family are all overseas but they have still been there in the background offering support and love every step of the way.

I am grateful that I have an amazing team of people around me at work.  Schools are such strong and important communities and it is fabulous to see people coming together in times of need.  Everyone in the Goldfields school community was rocked by the news of Sharon's illness and death.  My family crisis was overshadowed by the enormity of the loss of Sharon.  My team have still looked out for me and taken care of my emotions - even when they all needed people to look out for them too.  I'm not sure I have been strong enough to manage to look after them the way they have really deserved and I am worried that there are things I have just missed in my own haze in the last little while.  I am grateful that people are being patient while I get through my backlog of stuff that needs to be done.

I am really grateful to have known Sharon, to have called her a friend and to have had the opportunity to work alongside her for so many years as our school grew and we had to grow with it.  I am so saddened that her advice, guidance, friendship and support is no longer there to call upon.  It is so hard to believe that someone who was so vital, who had such a driving force and presence could be gone from us forever.  She will be forever in my heart and her legacy will be remembered at our school. 

I am going to be alright - I will rebuild my resilience along with the rebuilding of my son's resilience.  I am lucky to be connected and able to reach out to accept the support of others and I know that in time I will be back to usual - whatever that may mean.  This piece may be shameless navel gazing - but I think it is important that we all show we are human and that emotional responses to the things that happen in our lives are part of the process of getting better and moving forward.

Remember to look out for the people you love and help them to fight for the help they need when things are going wrong - whether that is managing the demands of adult life, dealing with loss and grief or something less tangible that is affecting their ability to manage day to day life.  We all need others to help rather than judge when things start sliding and instinct is to turn to destructive behaviour to get through.  Remember to be kind, particularly to yourself.

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